silent rank

Well, decided to try and devote some time to my blog again...not making any promises but "a try" is better than nothing....I'm hoping to keep this updated with Josh being gone....just to keep everyone posted and for myself to have things "documented"....I read other blogs and I just sit in a trance reading post after post...it's amazing to me and I love reading the stories of others.......well where to begin with mine? Josh will be home in 5 days! YES! Finally 5 days! He will only be home for about a week but at this point I will take anything! We miss him so much...day to day life is just not the same without him....His deployment date is set for June 26th at this point...it could change..once again folks we are talking about the ARMY! It really honestly has not set in yet that he is going to go to Afghanistan....kind of one of those "it'll never happen to me..to us" things... It definitely has been a DAILY battle for me...I would love to lay in bed all day and sulk that my husband is gone but I have girls to take care of...a job to go to..bills to pay....the world really does not stop for you! That is a hard lesson to learn and live with.....only someone that is going thru a deployment or has gone thru a deployment can tell you what this is like...did I ever imagine it would be this hard...never!...only they can tell you what it feels like to see a couple walking down the street holding hands longing for "his" touch.....to watch a family enjoy a meal together at a restaurant and be jealous that you are sitting alone...without your husband there....to listen to wives talk about how they can't wait to "get away" from their husbands for the weekend and wish that yours wasn't far away...to listen to them talk about a fight and only dream that you could be fighting with your husband...yes at this point even a fight would be better than this.....only "they" know what it's like to wipe away the tears...put a smile on your face and a happy voice so everyone believes you are doing just fine....and maybe just so you believe you are doing fine.......it's very bittersweet....on one hand I just want him home, I go thru what I just described daily! I want to feel sorry for myself whine and complain..lay in bed and cry and then on the other hand I realize....God is good....He has a reason for this and I am thankful for everything I have been provided with...I have a husband that is fighting for our freedom...he is willing to give his life for others...so others can have a better life and not everyone can say that....so I stand proud and thankful....I wipe away my tears and smile because I AM OKAY.................my title "a silent rank life" is from a poem I found on the Internet....actually I saw it on a shirt in Ft. Benning GA one weekend I went to see Josh...if you could put army life in a nutshell...the poem does


The Silent Ranks
I wear no uniforms, no blues or Army greens.
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank on my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
But the military world is the place where I live.
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I cannot forget.
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line.
but my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind.
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
and the call to serve his country, not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.
I love the man I married. Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Military Wife


[author unknown]

amazing.....one word sums it up...amazing.....this poem would have never meant anything to me before...I never knew what it was like! I was one of those people that if it didn't effect me I really wasn't worried about it! I know one good thing that has come from all of this is making myself a better person! I am definitely more aware of "everyone" else...its no longer just about me...I realized sometimes there are people who have it worse..I need to be thankful for what today brings because honestly we never know where tomorrow is going to take us....now here's the kicker ladies and gents....Josh technically hasn't even deployed yet!!!!! Yes he's been gone since Feb. but hes not in the midst of the fighting yet....he's still State side!!!...I don't have to worry about some random army guy knocking on my door telling me horrible news just yet...I don't have to wait for his call just to hear his voice and have relief knowing he is okay until he hangs up the phone and worry sets in again...I don't have to be sad for all the horrible things he has to see and do...that NO ONE should have to see or do.....none of that has even started yet.....I have a feeling that it's going to be a LONG 9 months....we will survive though....and we will be stronger because of it.....


wow...well....this blog was supposed to be about how our family was doing......but I guess that will have to wait until tomorrow! now you know how I am doing! It is now 1:30am and I am getting up at 8 for church....although I probably would have still been awake anyhow...haven't been sleeping well......having that reoccurring horrible dream.........army guy knocks on the door....I collapse in grief...and my life..our lives are forever changed...........horrible right?!! Yes, I know it is...but such is life........LOVE!

in the army now!

so just a little update on the latest news about Josh....as expected the army decided to change plans again....so March 30th Josh left for Indiana....he will be there until the end of June (at least) and then deploying for Afghanistan instead of Iraq. His deployment will "only" be 9 months...which is better than 12 or 15 like some so we are grateful for that. When this is all said and done if things stay on track he will be gone for a total of about 13 months....so we are ready for this to start and be over with!!!! We miss him terribly but are so proud of him! Please keep him and us in your prayers! We were lucky enough to be able to visit Ks for a couple of weeks. We are here now until the 11th. We are so happy to see everyone and can't wait to come back this summer. Hopefully it will be for a month or 2 but we don't know when we will be back for sure. We are at the armys mercy so it'll depend on what they do with Josh. Hurry up and wait! That's our motto for the army! LOVE!

the new year!

Warning! This blog is bound to be long considering Dec. was the last time I updated! I am WAY behind.....so where to begin.....Christmas was wonderful! We were up in Ks for a couple of weeks and it was wonderful to get to see my family...I miss them so much!!! The girls weren't really to "interested" in presents...They ripped a little of the paper and then moved on....although they love all their new toys and clothes....We came back to Florida and Jan 24th the girls celebrated their first birthday....I made a "barbie" cake...the one where you stick a doll in the middle...it was pretty cool but lots of work...next year I am buying the mold to do it! I hope to start the barbie cake as a tradition...our mom always made our cakes and I hope to do the same for my girls. They had a lot of fun playing in the cake. I stripped em down and let them have fun! It was a lot of fun...sometimes it seems like yesterday I was going in to have them and now they are 13 months! Josh and I celebrated our One Year Anniversary Jan. 27th.....what a long road! I hope there are many more ahead of us...we enjoyed a nice night out, going to dinner and then the movies....it was also on our one year that we received some really big news...NO we are not adding to the family (just yet).....the army decided they needed him back to go to Iraq. Josh had originally joined the army to be deployed only to get denied twice....we never thought he would get called back because of his medical condition (ulcerative colitis). So he was a little excited to be given the chance to go again. I had very mixed feelings....of course

I didn't want him being gone for so long and being in danger but I was excited for him because he had wanted it for so long...it was once in a lifetime chance to follow a dream and I couldn't be the reason he was held back....So Feb. 22 we dropped Josh of at Ft. Benning Ga and Feb 26 the doc gave him the option.....stay or go....we had talked about it before and decided if they gave him the option he was going....so he now is training to go to Iraq. I drove the 6 1/2 hours twice to spend the weekend with him in GA and then he was supposed to be moved to Mississsippi where we probably would not be allowed to see him....last minute the army (NO WAY) changed their minds and sent them (28 guys) to Starke, Florida....only 170 miles away from where we live!!! I was pretty excited! I followed their bus down to Florida from GA and spent the weekend with him. I got to know all of the guys and they are so nice. It makes me feels better knowing that they are close and will look out for eachother. They decided I am their new mascot! LOL....So here we are back in present time....I am up here at Camp Blanding for this weekend again. Next weekend all of us (his family and the girls) will be coming up again....will go up one more weekend after that and then March 30 he should be going to Mississippi for 3 or 4 days, then to Ft. Bliss Texas and then probably to Iraq...of course nothing in set in stone but thats what we know so far...we are hoping since he is deploying with a National Guard unit his deployment will only be 10 months or so...much better than 15! we'll keep our fingers crossed....well we are going to get something to eat...please keep us and especially Josh in your prayers! LOVE!!!! P.S. I hopefullly will be back in Ks for a couple of months over the summer....I can't wait!!!