another.....

another sleepless night.....ok probably not quite sleepless....it's 11:50pm.....and I will probably hit bed in an hour or so...hopefully less.....I'm patiently...okay not so patiently waiting for Joshua to call....he left yesterday to go to the "round top" for 7 days...I talked to him Monday morning and he said he should be able to call Tuesday night...well now we are 10 mins away from Wednesday morning and I'm still waiting.....waiting.....waiting...waiting...story of my life right now.....I know I know I have much to be happy for but right now I just don't want to be....I want to be sad...I want to complain...I want to be angry..and I want to whine that my husband has been gone for 8 months now and its not fair....and I hate it...I hate every moment that I share with the girls and he doesn't...I hate every morning when I wake up and get the girls out of bed and they give me a kiss and a hug and he's not there.....I hate going to bed every night without him...I hate shopping without him....I hate him missing out on little things...like Makenna crawling out of her crib twice last night...priceless moments that can never be replaced......I hate it I hate it...I hate it.....I hate that we will spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the girls' birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, etc etc etc with out him....I hate that every night I go to sleep praying that I will have a husband when I wake up.....I hate that I'm scared of what this stupid war will have done to him when he comes home.....I hate that some mornings I just wanna lay in bed and not get up for days......I just hate it.....I especially hate that I am surrounded by "him".....everything about his daily life is here.....so close but yet, he is so far away....and I hate that I sprayed his cologne tonight...my knees went weak...and the tears haven't stopped....

quick

Just a quick update...Yes I still need to post pictures from Kansas...I'll get around to it one day lol! We are all doing great.....Josh is by all means ready to come home but he's doing good.....The girls are amazing! Getting so big and doing so much....everyday its something new...they just amaze me! They have started counting....okay not really counting....in the "mommy" book it qualifies as counting...I say "one" and they say "two, theee" lol....its cute....I guess my whole telling them I'm gonna count and if your not ____ by 3 you're in trouble isn't going to work so well...They think its a game and they just look at me start shaking their head yes and smiling when I start to count...oh the fun to come! LOL...Florida is still HOT...I'm ready for some "cooler" weather!!! I miss fall so much! Leaves changing....windows open....jackets....*sigh* home sweet home.....but we'll be there soon enough! We are planning on moving back when Josh's deployment is over...and some exciting news for once.......We are planning our wedding! Right now we're looking at August 27th...I have to figure out how much everyone starting school is going to interfere with that date but we will see..I'm excited!!!! I've already started finding the things I want....not really for sure exactly what I want but I do know what I don't want when I see it...I'm so indecisive! I just need someone there to say okay this is how its gonna be! I'm sure we'll figure it out! Hope everyone is well!!! LOVES!

finally a start!

So, as I was spending endless minutes on facebook I decided "hey! now would be a good time to start updating your blog..." so here I am....12:19 am Florida time...I went to see "The time travelers wife" tonight...it was pretty good...a little confusing but I would maybe watch it again.....I just finished my glass of moscato wine (which I discovered on my trip to ks..details to come!) and now I'm blogging then off to bed.........so lets see...the last time I left off Joshua was about to come home! Oh how sometimes it seems like FOREVER ago and other times just yesterday....I was hoping to get everything updated tonight but I'm gonna just try for his leave vacation.....we'll see how long I am able to fight the sleepiness (just what I was hoping for) my glass of wine has brought upon me!

So, Joshua....yes.....after FINALLY waiting for what seemed like a million years it was finally time for him to come home...I was like a kid on Christmas Eve...worse!.....I could not wait to see him! We had a little rough start...I'll leave out details...I'll just say this....he finally arrived in Florida 4 hours after his original flight was supposed to get in and at an airport about 200 miles away instead of 15 miles away and his phone MIA....apparently the Indianapolis airport makes pretty strong drinks.....or so he says.....but how do you stay mad when you haven't seen your husband in months and hes leaving in a week for Afghanistan...I got over it quickly...but I have not forgotten! LOL.....

we had a great time when he was home....we were....complete.....as a family once again....sometimes it actually felt weird?!.....it was like oh yeah I forgot...I have to share a bed with you now....I have someone to help with the girls.....I actually have a husband.....what crazy emotions that week had for me!.....We did get a night alone which was

amazing......we went down and got a beachfront hotel...just the 2 of us...went to a nice seafood dinner.....Josh insisted that he NEEDED to buy a new fishing pole so we could go fish on the beach at night...so we made a stop at walmart....he promised it would be romantic! RIGHT!!! I politely (ok maybe not) declined and we finally decided on Mad Gab and then we headed for the hotel.....what a great feeling to wake up in the arms of the man I love! I had ALMOST forgotten what it was like! The next day his family met us down at the beach and we spent the day in the ocean.....

over the next few days we just spent family time....the girls LOVED having daddy home...we even got to spend Fathers Day with him! We were so happy we would get to celebrate one holiday with him this year....and what better than Fathers Day?! We truly are grateful to have him! The girls had painted a picture for him a couple days before and we also made imprints of their feet...the stuff I bought didn't work so well on their hands so feet it was!

we had a BBQ with close friends and family......it was nice to get to see everyone! another night we took everyone out to Boston Lobster Feast...ALL you can eat seafood...AMAZING! all I can....this is the lobster hat they gave Josh...normally its for birthday guests but our event was just as special so he got the hat!

I think the part that I loved most was just sitting back and watching the girls with Joshua....he is SUCH an amazing father....I honestly could not ask anymore of him.....the girls just love him....he is definitely already wrapped around their little fingers....you can't tell him that, of course! he can just make them laugh like no one else can...he brings a light out in their face that only their daddy could...it is truly amazing...he read a book to them every night....I just sat and watched....once again in awe......its just an amazing feeling.....I've already said it but once again...we were finally complete...... we got family pictures done...I was really happy with the way they turned out..... especially after the fight the girls put up! they wanted NO part of pictures! but I can't say too much! they are 1 1/2...what do you expect?!?! .........

finally the dreaded day came......it was time for him to leave.......it seemed like we had barely had 2 days with him and now he was gonna be gone again! he got dressed in his uniform...something I thought last July I had seen the last of.....at least in my household......goodbyes were said...tears cried...and off too the airport we went...I prayed to God they whole way their...."please God, just one more night....just let him stay home with me"......if anyone tells you prayers are never answered.....they are lying to you! My prayers were answered that night! We arrived to check into his flight.....my eyes bright with red from crying and the gentleman at the desk says "Your flight tonight has been delayed, which means you will miss your flight in Atlanta and that is the last flight of the night. We are seeing if we can get things changed but you may have a layover until morning" I was jumping for joy! Josh of course said "Look, I'm headed to Afghanistan and I NEED to be on a flight to Indiana." and I of course leaned over and whispered "I won't mind a BIT if he has to be laid over...do what you can to keep him! :)" Josh got on the phone with his command and started to explain there was nothing he could do...blah blah blah...ends up he was laid over till morning! It was bittersweet! Part of me was prepared...I had gotten myself ready to watch him leave....and I was by no means excited for ANOTHER goodbye....but even if it was 10 extra minutes.....I was TAKING every minute I could to spend with him .....we decided not to call his mom....instead we stopped and picked up donuts and candy and let Joshua walk in first.....she was shocked to say the least! we pigged out for a while and decided to head for bed.....the only thing with the lay over was it required an early wake up the next morning! Once again good byes were said...tears shed and off to the airport we headed.....this was it....I was not prepared and I was not ready.....I cried the whole way walking him in...Josh seemed to think since he had his ticket he didn't need to be early but turns out he was wrong....we were practically running to the security check in.....there was no time for a long goodbye.....a strong hug and kiss...a be careful...I love you...Miss you already....come home soon...was all time allowed....which in hindsight...was probably better.....I probably wouldn't have let go if I had time to hold on to him.......he was directed to the "express" lane for being in uniform and the security guy pointed us to the big glass windows so we could watch him go thru security....I stood there holding his dog tags tears streaming down my face and watched him, wishing it was just a dream waiting to wake up...a woman sitting in a chair beside us turned around..saw his uniform and turned back to me and said "I'll be praying for your boy...and for you"....what an amazing few words....all I could do was shake my head....try to smile and mutter a "thank you".....and then watch my husband walk away from me to an unknown fate....seeing him turn around and give me one last smile and wave was probably the hardest thing I've done in my life.....this is what I have now.....the last picture I've taken of my husband since June 25th 2009.....the last one until he comes home and is safe in my arms again......I'm waiting honey.....come home soon.......

the story doesn't end there!......I'm walking out with his dad to my car to head back home....figuring out the minutes I have left until he would call again.....my phone rings....Josh missed his flight! I stopped ready to turn around and run back into his arms but no such luck this time....they were putting him on another flight in a few minutes...he was just calling to let me know he'd be later and tell me how mad he was for missing his flight by 2 minutes...literally...you have to be there 10 minutes before your flight leaves to be able to board....it was 8 minutes before his flight when he called me....they wouldn't open the doors for him......I guess not everyone cares when a soldier needs to get on a plane......but he did eventually make it to Indiana....he was scheduled to leave the day he arrived for Afghanistan...he was pretty worried about the punishment he was going to get for being late.....but he was not given one......they ended up not leaving for another 3 days!.....