Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Wow! So it's been awhile. It's 11:50pm...I'm laying in bed and just can't seem to make my mind stop. We're waiting to hear the final word on our house tomorrow, it's supposed to blizzard and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel my appointments and reschedule, and one little question just won't seem to stop repeating in my head..."when did you become all holy".

My original intent was to post on Facebook and then decided it was probably too long for a status. I started looking back through my old posts. Ones of the girls birth, moving to Florida, moving back, Hunter's birth, there's so much that has happened in those 7 FB years....eventually I came to some of the darkest days of my life...my Dad's battle with cancer. Don't be mistaken, my dad's death is NOT the only dark days I've had...trust me I went through THAT stage, I've faced trials, I've followed the wrong path...I've done a lot of bad things in my life. I've hurt a lot of good people. But those days with dad, those were the first "dark" days that actually started to change my heart.

When I was asked that question "When did you become all holy" a couple days ago it wasn't in a mean or mocking way, it was simply just a friendly razz. I took no offense and simply answered without a second thought..."the day I started watching my Dad die". I didn't give my response much thought until now, when that simple reminder just won't go away. God is speaking to me...I'm just finally listening.

I'm struggling. Buying a house, 3 kids, a husband, a job, and homeschool, is proving to be tasking. I'm struggling. But I'm alive, and I won't quit. I won't quit because tonight, tonight I'm reminded how short life really is.

Anyone one of us could be given the same diagnosis (or worse) that my dad got April 19, 2011. And you know what they told us? 2-10 years! 2-10! And you know how many years we got?! 1! O N E year. 13 months to be exact. 1 New Years. 1 birthday. 1 Christmas. 1 Thanksgiving. One year.

Sometimes I forget what that one year did for my life. For my family's life. It rocked my world. And sometimes I forget that not everyone has experienced that desperation to DEVOUR every minute. To make things right. To make every second count.

I watch people throw away their lives. Complain about snow days with their kids. Stay out searching for "more" while their husband sits at home. Ignoring that phone call because they just don't have time. I see it and I want to shake them and say WAKE UP! You might not get tomorrow. Tomorrow your child is one day older and God forbid this be the last year you get to celebrate their birthday. That man that you think is gonna sweep you away, guess what, he comes with his own baggage. That bottle you run to every weekend guess what that may drown your tears tonight but tomorrow, tomorrow you wake up to the same problems. Life is short people. Life is S.H.O.R.T.....

Don't for a minute think that I don't know I myself am guilty. I KNOW I am. I tell my kids not right now...maybe later. I scroll through Facebook one too many times. I forget to make my husband know he's appreciated. I. Am. Guilty.

I didn't become "all holy" because I think its cool or because I think I'm better than anyone. I became "all holy" because it was all I had left. My dad was dying and my life was unraveling in front of my eyes. God was the only thing I had left to cling onto. The only light I had left in those dark days. People ask how you can believe in something with "no proof". My question...what more proof do you need? And why not? Why not believe in good, and that there's more to this life then just THIS? This world is NOT my home, and I am confident that one day I will go to my real home with my Heavenly Father, and I'll be greeted by my earthly father, in a perfect body. And you know what? What if I'm wrong? So what?! What happens?! Nothing!? But what if I'm right and "you're " wrong. What happens when you stand in front of God on judgment day he says "Do I know you?"

I know. I've always known God was there. Whether He is real or not was never really a question in my mind. I'm pretty sure I've always thought God was "there"...but have I strayed? Absolutely! And now I've come back. I choose to be "all holy". I choose to have a relationship with God. It's not just simply knowing whether God is real or not. It's personally knowing Him... Knowing a relationship with God.

I pray that no one ever, ever has to learn to trust God the way that I did. Come on, it took my Dad DYING for me to finally "give in". I pray that you find God in a much better time. But the time is now. Because 6 months from now might just be too late. He revealed himself to me, and He will reveal himself to you...if you give Him the chance.

Please don't get me wrong. I know I'm really not "all holy". I fail each and every day. Miserably some days. Okay A LOT of days...But I'm trying! I don't claim to be perfect. I just claim to be trying. God doesn't expect perfection...He doesn't require that...He just simply asks for YOU.

I'm struggling. I've told you that already but until now I've haven't realized I've been struggling on my OWN. I'm trying to bare the load that God gladly will take. And I gladly want to hand over. It's just that human part of me that wants to do it MYSELF.

Don't struggle on your own. God wants to help you...and wants you to become "all holy".


P.s. to you that asked when I become all holy....thanks for the reminder. :)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

One of those easier said than done verses. Tonight, I sent this to my dear sweet friend after a nice little visit we had. I wish I could say our visit was for great reasons, or even just to say it was for no reason at all. But, unfortunately I went to drop some things off to her because 2 weeks ago her 27 year old husband just didn't wake up. Just didn't wake up. My heart aches for her as I can only begin to imagine her pain. Her little girl is just a month older then my little Hunter. My heart aches.

Hold tight my sweet friend. There are so many of us praying for you!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


I have been pretty MIA on here for the last few months. No surprise, but a friend of mine recently started her blog and so it's given me the "itch" again. You can say it, I'm a "jump on the bandwagon" type of person. I know it. I've accepted it. I'm okay with it. Anyhow I was going thru my old posts and found this "draft". I'm sure my intentions were to add more but I never got around to it. I kinda like where it ended though. At any rate here it is!

5. Five. 5 coconut cream pies. I just made from scratch for Thanksgiving tomorrow. As I was giving myself a pat on the back for being so prepared as the last pie came out of the oven my heart became overwhelmingly heavy. All I could think about was being prepared. All sorts of thoughts flooded my headed. But the one that  I could not quiet was "Am I prepared for the holiday season WITHOUT my Dad". My joy of finally being done baking quickly turned into sadness and tears. We prepare for so many things. We prepare for a new baby for 9 months. We prepare for tornadoes, fires, natural disasters. We physically prepare as much as possible. But yet are we  truly prepared? You can not be prepared for the indescribable amount of love you feel the instant you meet your child for the first time. You can't be prepared when you come home and your house is gone from a fire. Or when a tornado wipes out a town. Or when you leave everything behind evacuating from a hurricane. Or when you listen to your Dad take his last breath. There is so much we can not be prepared for. No matter how much you think you can and do, when the time comes for these things, good or bad, you just can not be prepared. Although I had went over how things would go over and over again in my head when my Dad's cancer finally won, when the time came I was not prepared. We are never sure what tomorrow brings. Although we can spend all day long preparing for tomorrow when the time actually comes are we really prepared?
What about spiritually  Are we prepared? Jesus tells us over and over to be prepared for His return. Yet when satan comes to call are we prepared? Are we ready to put up the fight?