better....

Well today is better.....I'm sorry for all of you that read my angry words last night! I was on roll.....just one of those days...and I could no longer sit and let it brew inside....I know I have many people that will listen but it gets old for me to keep throwing my pity party so I can only imagine how old it gets for others to listen to my sad story about my husband being gone....I'm not the first and I won't be the last.....and a lot of the times it's "out of sight, out of mind" if I don't sit there and dwell on how sad I am and tell people how much of a struggle it really is every day...I tend to deal with it better....but it's easier to throw my pity party on here! You only CHOOSE to read this so if you listen (read) my angry words that's your fault lol :) I don't think I'm the only person....I donno maybe I am...but sometimes it helps to just get words out.....a lot of times I'll take a piece of paper out and write down everything I want to say to someone....then I'll take the paper rip it up and throw it away....they are generally words of anger that I REALLY don't wanna tell someone but I need to get out.....weird?...oh well...aren't we all?!.....well....I had planned on going to bed early but once again it is 11:50pm..weird same time as last night lol....maybe this is the beginning of a habit?!?! How many days do they say you have to repeat something until its a habit?? uh oh bloggers watch out Lenise is on a 2 night roll!!!! :) We shall see!!!.....OH..important info!..Josh finally messaged me...he had guard duty and didn't wake up early enough to call me before I would have been in bed....so he's SAFE and SOUND!....I know I should stop thinking of all the bad things that COULD of happened when I haven't talked to him when I'm supposed to but that is really really really really hard...anyhow that goes back to my "i hates" from last night...and we won't go down that road again...at least not tonight! :) Hope every one is well...LOVE!

P.S.....just wanted to add a few pics of Joshua...looks like lots of fun over there doesn't it???!!

This last photo is a "Where's Waldo?" only...."where's Joshua?"...I told him he was crazy for going in the middle of those people...see if you can find him!

another.....

another sleepless night.....ok probably not quite sleepless....it's 11:50pm.....and I will probably hit bed in an hour or so...hopefully less.....I'm patiently...okay not so patiently waiting for Joshua to call....he left yesterday to go to the "round top" for 7 days...I talked to him Monday morning and he said he should be able to call Tuesday night...well now we are 10 mins away from Wednesday morning and I'm still waiting.....waiting.....waiting...waiting...story of my life right now.....I know I know I have much to be happy for but right now I just don't want to be....I want to be sad...I want to complain...I want to be angry..and I want to whine that my husband has been gone for 8 months now and its not fair....and I hate it...I hate every moment that I share with the girls and he doesn't...I hate every morning when I wake up and get the girls out of bed and they give me a kiss and a hug and he's not there.....I hate going to bed every night without him...I hate shopping without him....I hate him missing out on little things...like Makenna crawling out of her crib twice last night...priceless moments that can never be replaced......I hate it I hate it...I hate it.....I hate that we will spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the girls' birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, etc etc etc with out him....I hate that every night I go to sleep praying that I will have a husband when I wake up.....I hate that I'm scared of what this stupid war will have done to him when he comes home.....I hate that some mornings I just wanna lay in bed and not get up for days......I just hate it.....I especially hate that I am surrounded by "him".....everything about his daily life is here.....so close but yet, he is so far away....and I hate that I sprayed his cologne tonight...my knees went weak...and the tears haven't stopped....