Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Wow! So it's been awhile. It's 11:50pm...I'm laying in bed and just can't seem to make my mind stop. We're waiting to hear the final word on our house tomorrow, it's supposed to blizzard and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel my appointments and reschedule, and one little question just won't seem to stop repeating in my head..."when did you become all holy".

My original intent was to post on Facebook and then decided it was probably too long for a status. I started looking back through my old posts. Ones of the girls birth, moving to Florida, moving back, Hunter's birth, there's so much that has happened in those 7 FB years....eventually I came to some of the darkest days of my life...my Dad's battle with cancer. Don't be mistaken, my dad's death is NOT the only dark days I've had...trust me I went through THAT stage, I've faced trials, I've followed the wrong path...I've done a lot of bad things in my life. I've hurt a lot of good people. But those days with dad, those were the first "dark" days that actually started to change my heart.

When I was asked that question "When did you become all holy" a couple days ago it wasn't in a mean or mocking way, it was simply just a friendly razz. I took no offense and simply answered without a second thought..."the day I started watching my Dad die". I didn't give my response much thought until now, when that simple reminder just won't go away. God is speaking to me...I'm just finally listening.

I'm struggling. Buying a house, 3 kids, a husband, a job, and homeschool, is proving to be tasking. I'm struggling. But I'm alive, and I won't quit. I won't quit because tonight, tonight I'm reminded how short life really is.

Anyone one of us could be given the same diagnosis (or worse) that my dad got April 19, 2011. And you know what they told us? 2-10 years! 2-10! And you know how many years we got?! 1! O N E year. 13 months to be exact. 1 New Years. 1 birthday. 1 Christmas. 1 Thanksgiving. One year.

Sometimes I forget what that one year did for my life. For my family's life. It rocked my world. And sometimes I forget that not everyone has experienced that desperation to DEVOUR every minute. To make things right. To make every second count.

I watch people throw away their lives. Complain about snow days with their kids. Stay out searching for "more" while their husband sits at home. Ignoring that phone call because they just don't have time. I see it and I want to shake them and say WAKE UP! You might not get tomorrow. Tomorrow your child is one day older and God forbid this be the last year you get to celebrate their birthday. That man that you think is gonna sweep you away, guess what, he comes with his own baggage. That bottle you run to every weekend guess what that may drown your tears tonight but tomorrow, tomorrow you wake up to the same problems. Life is short people. Life is S.H.O.R.T.....

Don't for a minute think that I don't know I myself am guilty. I KNOW I am. I tell my kids not right now...maybe later. I scroll through Facebook one too many times. I forget to make my husband know he's appreciated. I. Am. Guilty.

I didn't become "all holy" because I think its cool or because I think I'm better than anyone. I became "all holy" because it was all I had left. My dad was dying and my life was unraveling in front of my eyes. God was the only thing I had left to cling onto. The only light I had left in those dark days. People ask how you can believe in something with "no proof". My question...what more proof do you need? And why not? Why not believe in good, and that there's more to this life then just THIS? This world is NOT my home, and I am confident that one day I will go to my real home with my Heavenly Father, and I'll be greeted by my earthly father, in a perfect body. And you know what? What if I'm wrong? So what?! What happens?! Nothing!? But what if I'm right and "you're " wrong. What happens when you stand in front of God on judgment day he says "Do I know you?"

I know. I've always known God was there. Whether He is real or not was never really a question in my mind. I'm pretty sure I've always thought God was "there"...but have I strayed? Absolutely! And now I've come back. I choose to be "all holy". I choose to have a relationship with God. It's not just simply knowing whether God is real or not. It's personally knowing Him... Knowing a relationship with God.

I pray that no one ever, ever has to learn to trust God the way that I did. Come on, it took my Dad DYING for me to finally "give in". I pray that you find God in a much better time. But the time is now. Because 6 months from now might just be too late. He revealed himself to me, and He will reveal himself to you...if you give Him the chance.

Please don't get me wrong. I know I'm really not "all holy". I fail each and every day. Miserably some days. Okay A LOT of days...But I'm trying! I don't claim to be perfect. I just claim to be trying. God doesn't expect perfection...He doesn't require that...He just simply asks for YOU.

I'm struggling. I've told you that already but until now I've haven't realized I've been struggling on my OWN. I'm trying to bare the load that God gladly will take. And I gladly want to hand over. It's just that human part of me that wants to do it MYSELF.

Don't struggle on your own. God wants to help you...and wants you to become "all holy".


P.s. to you that asked when I become all holy....thanks for the reminder. :)