another.....

another sleepless night.....ok probably not quite sleepless....it's 11:50pm.....and I will probably hit bed in an hour or so...hopefully less.....I'm patiently...okay not so patiently waiting for Joshua to call....he left yesterday to go to the "round top" for 7 days...I talked to him Monday morning and he said he should be able to call Tuesday night...well now we are 10 mins away from Wednesday morning and I'm still waiting.....waiting.....waiting...waiting...story of my life right now.....I know I know I have much to be happy for but right now I just don't want to be....I want to be sad...I want to complain...I want to be angry..and I want to whine that my husband has been gone for 8 months now and its not fair....and I hate it...I hate every moment that I share with the girls and he doesn't...I hate every morning when I wake up and get the girls out of bed and they give me a kiss and a hug and he's not there.....I hate going to bed every night without him...I hate shopping without him....I hate him missing out on little things...like Makenna crawling out of her crib twice last night...priceless moments that can never be replaced......I hate it I hate it...I hate it.....I hate that we will spend Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the girls' birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, etc etc etc with out him....I hate that every night I go to sleep praying that I will have a husband when I wake up.....I hate that I'm scared of what this stupid war will have done to him when he comes home.....I hate that some mornings I just wanna lay in bed and not get up for days......I just hate it.....I especially hate that I am surrounded by "him".....everything about his daily life is here.....so close but yet, he is so far away....and I hate that I sprayed his cologne tonight...my knees went weak...and the tears haven't stopped....