Saturday, June 13, 2009

silent rank

Well, decided to try and devote some time to my blog again...not making any promises but "a try" is better than nothing....I'm hoping to keep this updated with Josh being gone....just to keep everyone posted and for myself to have things "documented"....I read other blogs and I just sit in a trance reading post after post...it's amazing to me and I love reading the stories of others.......well where to begin with mine? Josh will be home in 5 days! YES! Finally 5 days! He will only be home for about a week but at this point I will take anything! We miss him so much...day to day life is just not the same without him....His deployment date is set for June 26th at this point...it could change..once again folks we are talking about the ARMY! It really honestly has not set in yet that he is going to go to Afghanistan....kind of one of those "it'll never happen to me..to us" things... It definitely has been a DAILY battle for me...I would love to lay in bed all day and sulk that my husband is gone but I have girls to take care of...a job to go to..bills to pay....the world really does not stop for you! That is a hard lesson to learn and live with.....only someone that is going thru a deployment or has gone thru a deployment can tell you what this is like...did I ever imagine it would be this hard...never!...only they can tell you what it feels like to see a couple walking down the street holding hands longing for "his" touch.....to watch a family enjoy a meal together at a restaurant and be jealous that you are sitting alone...without your husband there....to listen to wives talk about how they can't wait to "get away" from their husbands for the weekend and wish that yours wasn't far away...to listen to them talk about a fight and only dream that you could be fighting with your husband...yes at this point even a fight would be better than this.....only "they" know what it's like to wipe away the tears...put a smile on your face and a happy voice so everyone believes you are doing just fine....and maybe just so you believe you are doing fine.......it's very bittersweet....on one hand I just want him home, I go thru what I just described daily! I want to feel sorry for myself whine and complain..lay in bed and cry and then on the other hand I realize....God is good....He has a reason for this and I am thankful for everything I have been provided with...I have a husband that is fighting for our freedom...he is willing to give his life for others...so others can have a better life and not everyone can say that....so I stand proud and thankful....I wipe away my tears and smile because I AM OKAY.................my title "a silent rank life" is from a poem I found on the Internet....actually I saw it on a shirt in Ft. Benning GA one weekend I went to see Josh...if you could put army life in a nutshell...the poem does


The Silent Ranks
I wear no uniforms, no blues or Army greens.
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank on my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
But the military world is the place where I live.
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I cannot forget.
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line.
but my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind.
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
and the call to serve his country, not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.
I love the man I married. Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Military Wife


[author unknown]

amazing.....one word sums it up...amazing.....this poem would have never meant anything to me before...I never knew what it was like! I was one of those people that if it didn't effect me I really wasn't worried about it! I know one good thing that has come from all of this is making myself a better person! I am definitely more aware of "everyone" else...its no longer just about me...I realized sometimes there are people who have it worse..I need to be thankful for what today brings because honestly we never know where tomorrow is going to take us....now here's the kicker ladies and gents....Josh technically hasn't even deployed yet!!!!! Yes he's been gone since Feb. but hes not in the midst of the fighting yet....he's still State side!!!...I don't have to worry about some random army guy knocking on my door telling me horrible news just yet...I don't have to wait for his call just to hear his voice and have relief knowing he is okay until he hangs up the phone and worry sets in again...I don't have to be sad for all the horrible things he has to see and do...that NO ONE should have to see or do.....none of that has even started yet.....I have a feeling that it's going to be a LONG 9 months....we will survive though....and we will be stronger because of it.....


wow...well....this blog was supposed to be about how our family was doing......but I guess that will have to wait until tomorrow! now you know how I am doing! It is now 1:30am and I am getting up at 8 for church....although I probably would have still been awake anyhow...haven't been sleeping well......having that reoccurring horrible dream.........army guy knocks on the door....I collapse in grief...and my life..our lives are forever changed...........horrible right?!! Yes, I know it is...but such is life........LOVE!

2 comments:

Mrs. E said...

I know this has to be scary and emotionally draining for you. Hang in there! The work you do for your soldier is needed--keeping you & your girls happy & healthy! I'm so glad you found me on here. Love ya!

Alicia said...

L, I can't imagine the strength you will have to find to get through these months. I have no idea how people do it. My stepmother has been doing it for years... and my dad leaves again for Iraq in July. It's definitely hard being a daughter, but I cannot imagine being a wife.

I think that a blog might give you some place to share, to get it out, to find support in a different way. You should really look and see what kind of blog community there is for army wives. I know there are other blogs of families who are going through the same thing.

Your post brought tears to my eyes... I can't imagine the tears that are falling on your side of the computer. Keep us updated. We'll be thinking of you, Josh, and those beautiful little girls.... xoxox